My Miscarriage

I don’t even know where to begin.

I was 13 weeks pregnant and (other than a handfull of people knowing) it was my sweetest secret. I was having problems with my insurance and unfortunately had to wait way too long to go to the doctor. Finally! I have my first appointment scheduled.

The night before my first appointment I sneezed while at work. I thought I peed a little so I went to the bathroom. There was blood. I was in full panic mode and found the closest mom-of-a-one-year-old I knew. I asked her and google, and the two doctors I work for, if this is normal or if I should be freaking out, and they all said I could be spotting. I wasn’t in pain, but the bleeding continued.

The next morning I go to the doctor and express these concerns and they gave me an ultrasound. Of course I was frozen and while waiting to see the screen, the doctor stood right in front of it blocking the entire thing with his body. I kept trying to pull my head up with both of my hands, I wasn’t sure if he was aware that he was doing this. It was probably 4-5 minutes of complete breath holding silence. The whole room was filled with tension as the doctor searched and searched and my husband, the nurse, and I stared at the screens waiting to see the little baby or hear its heartbeat.

He says he, “sees something,” as if he was asking a question. That’s it, that’s all he says. Then he turns to me and says, “I’m sorry, but you are showing the signs and symptoms of a miscarriage.”

A few hours later I had cramps so bad I couldn’t stand. Right as I decided we had to go to the hospital I started bleeding profusely and throwing up. When I entered the ER, the doctors literally had my file on their desk as if they were waiting for me. Without giving them my ID they knew I had a doctor’s appointment earlier that day and had all of my information. I’m allergic to morphine so what they gave me for pain barely helped. And this was by far the worst pain I have ever been in. They had such a “suck it up” attitude, which is expected for a military hospital. I passed the sac, which meant I didn’t need surgery to get it removed, but I didn’t see the baby. I think it was better for me psychologically. If I would’ve seen the ten fingers and toes of a baby that didn’t get a chance, I think that would haunt me forever. I loss so much blood I had to be monitored because the doctor’s said there was potential that I was going to need a blood transfusion. After about 4 hours of excruciating pain and screaming I was discharged. I was so weak I had my husband take me out in a wheelchair because I couldn’t walk. I bled for the next week and was still passing large clots and tissue.

I just listened to my baby’s heartbeat the night before on the fetal doppler. I’ve had all the normal symptoms. Nothing out of the ordinary. Took my prenatals. Prayed over my baby. Waited until I was married to have a baby. I did everything “right.”

What made it harder for me was that I already told a lot of people that live near me (I don’t live in the states near family and friends at the moment). I sent my parents a surprise onesie and took pictures with it over FaceTime.

I had to tell everyone that I had a miscarriage. It’s like people take an opportunity to give you advice at the announcement of your loss. I was just letting them know because people always asked me how I was feeling. It was never really a search for sympathy. Please do not tell me how I should react or deal with it or what I should think. I had SO many people say, “it’s gonna be okay, your time will come!” …okay Jesus, planner of my life. Or the one I hated the most and heard more than anything, “OH its SO common! Don’t feel bad about it!”
Oh okay so I shouldn’t feel bad about the blood loss, the loss of a teeny baby, and the fact that I have things for the nursery sitting in my house?
Problem solved.

ITS SO COMMON. Thank you, that makes me feel so much better that millions of other women have had to go through this excrutiating pain, both physical and emotional. Thank God for science, the normality of my crisis has suddenly made me feel like I have only gotten the common cold.

I was so angry at God. I cried so much those next few days. I have been dreaming of being a mother since I was 16. I thought to myself people have babies on accident, some aren’t happy about it, but they’re babies are perfectly healthy. I don’t want to believe in a God who can’t even keep his word to the one thing I want more than anything. I was probably more angry than sad.

But it’s not fair that I think like that. I dont get to decide who gets to have a baby, who doesn’t, who’s ready, who is. That’s not up to me, it’s not up to you either. This is a toxic way of thinking. God let me know this too. Some Christians think just because they follow Jesus and “do as the bible says,” that they are exempt from the tragedies and struggles in life. Or people that do good and expect good karma. (Interpret my religion however you interpret yours).

I told my husband I don’t think I believe in God anymore and the next day he came home with this beautiful little gold necklace, with a dainty cross on it. I texted him asking why he bought me a cross necklace after saying I wanted nothing to do with God and this was his response:

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He’s right. After this, I felt connected with God again. You know how they call babies that have been born after a miscarriage, rainbow babies? Well, for the first time in my life, I saw the biggest rainbow I have ever seen, it was from one end to the other. It was so bright and vivid and pictures just don’t do it justice (I’m gonna show you one anyway). I just took it as Him saying to me that He’s got this and not to be discouraged. That maybe my next time getting pregnant I will have my rainbow baby. Maybe there’s a good reason this pregnancy didn’t end as planned and maybe I could find the silver lining. And I did. After the miscarriage my husband and I fought about everything and fought really bad. We both said some really mean things to each other and it always went back to the baby. Things got so bad we HAD to go to counseling. We went for a few weeks and our relationship has been blissful ever since. We had never faced tragedy together for and this just showed how we would have dealt with it. Now we know better and although it was a terrible thing to go through, we found our silver lining.

I’m still trying to deal with it by talking about it and painting about it, but it still hurts. Like any grief, it comes in waves. I’ll be perfectly fine and happy, then a pregnant women passes me and I just want to grab my stomach and feel where my baby once was. Even just today I go to an optometrist appointment and the doctor asks me, “you’re expecting?” I said no and she responds, “oh, I just see you have OB Summary right here.” ……I had a miscarriage. She felt so bad for trying to find out why that was in my notes and her sadness just projected right onto me. I wanted to cry. I just came in for an eye exam, not to be reminded of this tragic event that happened less than two weeks ago. It’s okay, she didn’t know. Unless you’ve been through it, you wouldn’t know either.

BUT, yes. I will be okay. Yes, I will try again. And in the end if for some reason I am unable to have children of my own (which I am praying super hard against), then I will adopt and be a mother to children that don’t have any parents. I will be okay and once this situation is irrelevant (since it’s still brought up because it just happened) it will be a lot easier for me to get past it. Which I will and if you’ve been through it so will you.

Your body will heal. Your soul will heal. Give it what it needs to make you healthy again and don’t let other people let this be something that is painful for them. Like them finding out is bad news to them. People want to help, they just aren’t good at it. Forgive them.

Do not become bitter. Do not become afraid to have a family. You are worthy of becoming a mother. And one way or another, your baby will come back to you.

If you went through this, I hope this helps. If you didn’t, I hope it gives perspective.

(Disclaimer: I believe there is one god and he is called by many names. You might call him/her mother nature, yahweh, Buddah, you might find him/her through crystals or through the Quran. I call my God, Jesus and practice non-denomonational Christianity).